Last Day Reflections

If today was to be the last day of the world, not that I think it is or anything, what would you think of the last week?  Would you be happy with the impact you had on your family?  With the level of interaction with your loved ones?  Who might you regret not seeing, or telling how you feel about them?  Would you regret how you handled a conflict?  Would you feel that you lived life the best that you could?  If we were to continually live with awareness of the fact that we are not guaranteed or entitled to another second on this earth, the perspective of such could change how we feel about many things.

I, for one, generally think that living my last bits of life working in a job that I do only for survival and that doesn't bring me any happiness would be a big waste of my life.  Yet, I couldn't regret spending this time at work because it allows me to provide for my family, which serves a much higher purpose than any of the fun things I could think up for myself.  That's what keeps me going, as it does for many.   Well, that and the threat of destitution.  Ultimately, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't enjoy life more without a job, unless I had something else that enabled me to provide for my loved ones differently.  (Or that ever elusive enjoyable job.)

Now that THAT'S out of the way... What about family?  Who would you have seen more?  Or less?  For me, I would spend more time with my grandmother, who was once the salt of my earth, and provided my only refuge from misery.  Some of which was general teenage angst, but there was real legitimate misery going on, and she was my only escape; a great one at that.  I've always loved my grandmother for her amazing heart, and feisty spirit, but what happened to her importance?  People have said things along the lines of what I summarize as priority transparence, which is the idea that you can see what is important in your life by how much time you give it.  Grandma is indeed important, but I'm out of time and energy after work/ school/ kids/ house/ husband, and it takes discipline to conjure up enough energy to continue the list which from there includes husband/ dogs/ and once in an amazing while myself.  I wouldn't give a crap about cleaning the house with a known time limit, so theres one place to steal time from...  I also would want to get in some really good quality one on one time with each of the kids, and I could truly write all night about this topic.  I'm sure you can relate!

Along with family, I really would plan some things into my last week of life to impact others.  Perhaps I would help someone be less hungry or warmer in the winter.  I promise I am not saying this to impress you, I really do want to help people.  However, I don't do much to this end, and that's ok in my mind so long as I can do it "later".  And to the point of these thoughts, what if "later" never comes?

Last but hopefully not least, there's my fun.  I don't have enough of it, but what would I do?  I'd want to see new things, and try new things.  I'd absolutely want to dance more, and I would want to be in nature as often as possible.  What comes to mind for you?

Though the world may not end tomorrow, I never know when mine will.  My recommendation is that we make a list of what we really want to do, and when we are going to or hope to do it.  Then, when we look over this list, remind ourselves that the time we plan on borrowing does not in fact belong to us, and that every moment is a gift.  And for our involvement with others, their time is just as precious.  What will you do differently?

From Under Your Shoe

I'm stuck up here
under your shoe
I was stomped on for speaking
so what can I do
everything is dark
I feel I can't see
and from being all smooshed
I'm no longer me
The ground is all dirty
each stomp rubs my face
in all that is beneath you
which must be my place
don't get confused, though
I won't stay here long
although you keep stomping me
somehow I'm strong
you'll step in a puddle
or maybe some spit
I'll get lose one day
and no longer submit
I won't conform to your sole
I'll speak up again soon
and when you take a step
underneath will be no Alice Moon.

On Life: This Blog- my starting point.

It took some courage, but a couple of weeks ago, I decided to jump in and start this blog.  Not a huge step in this day in age, there are probably as many bloggers as there are... Um... Err.. Bloggers.  It was a very big deal to me, due to the fact that there have only been two small windows in the last 10 years that I allowed myself to write at all.  Why?  Well, because, the only part of myself that I have gotten to know in my entire adult life claims to be stoic, with a dislike of emotions and emotional situations in general, a distaste for drama, and an attraction to logic; surrounded by people of the same disposition  (who needs feelings when you have thoughts).  Life seems to be much safer when you can be just slightly above feeling, like riding an elevator instead of a roller coaster.  Only problem here is that you only learn what it is like to go up and down, and may get stuck with a flatulator.   I'm not comfortable with the twists and turns, and I didn't really like the feelings that allowed me to write.  Truly, I did not have an interest in spending time with myself, whoever that may be.  Which brings me to my purpose here, to explore the parts of myself that I have ignored, repressed and suffocated, in hopes of aligning with my identity.

Though it's been but a short time, there are some things that have started to transform.  In embracing some of my writing, it seems that I have allowed myself to be more open to creative energy in general.  I have been looking at things in a different light, and allowing myself to observe the motives and meanings behind things as opposed to taking things for face value.  Like listening to the words of a song as opposed to just the beat (which can be a mistake sometimes).  Also, as a result of this blog, I have gone out of my way to make an effort to connect with writers, photographers, artists and creative people in general.  I find happiness each day in seeing all of the works that people share.  I find hope in their pain, joy in their enthusiasm, and strength in the courage of sharing vulnerabilities; and I find myself wanting to become more because of this.

As that is something that I did not expect, it all makes this part of the journey worth it so far. There is one frightening aspect of this for me, lying in the deep dark corners of honesty, which is that a part of me is looking for validation.  We all do in many points in our lives, however I do not enjoy that I could ever feel like sharing of myself has failed.   I've experienced what it is like to move people with things that I've written, however, in general I haven't developed anything in my life that I feel that  am good at.  I can't apply the word talent to anything that I do really, but, as I'll share more about later, I just haven't tried many things.  (Actually, I have a talent for some aspects of motherhood... I do have eyes in the back of my head, and I can give a look that catches, lectures, disciplines and accepts an apology all at the same time.)

So, I plan to share this with you in hopes that you relate and walk this cobblestone road with me, wearing stilettos (sounds tricky? it is), and perhaps you'll put on a pair too (gentlemen as well, you know what they say about walking a mile), and maybe even lend me an arm for support and take embarrassing pictures of me when I fall.

AM

Photo credit: GrungeTextures / Foter / CC BY-NC

Tumultuous Flight

The wind against my face

the earth so far below

spinning and ever changing

as I try to land.

Floating so far above,

yet getting close so fast

hoping that the ground

will be there.

Looking into myself,

only ounces of fear are left,

so many were spent

on the falls before.

My heart races

I feel my pulse surging

frantically paced through my entire body

The feeling of being alive

bringing so much freedom to this flight

I hold my breath while the world speeds before me

Grasping through the air for a glimmer of control

to slow me down this time

I feel the tingle as I get closer now,

on every inch of my flesh

Note even I can help me now

my descent is almost through

My lungs tighten and my eyes close

my fists clench, fighting to make it through

these final moments

until I feel the ground again-

And now I feel the sun warm against my body

and I can breathe

just like the first breath

of new life.

Red

Swirling burning
Yearning impatience
Like anticipating the trickle of a trailing drop
tickling and seemingly eternal
Shivering want
Mixing with self awareness
Creating a power
Addicting and fleeting
Possessing and possessed
Mine and yours
Pure & endless.


(for Mr. Moon, naturally)
AM

Tapestry

Beneath myself & I'm suffocating
As though it's another I'm contemplating
As time flies I can't catch my breath
Watching the hands turn,
Hoping there will be something left.

Words for Whom the Song in my Heart Sings

Shine like you are

bright from the inside

I'd do anything for you

All for you...

Dream like you are

heavens creation

Feel your heart beat

All in love...

Feel like you do

Radiate with hope

keep your flame

All to live...

Love like you can

from the inside out

Never let it die

All in you...

Photo credit: thejbird / Foter / CC BY

Nature

There is a certain sense of solitude, a magnificent silence in all that is glorious in this world.  A sense of limitless possibilities, yet limits.  Danger, bravery and peace all untied and united.  Nature is perfectly representative of us all, in it's perfect contradictions. 

Alice Moon

I took this picture recently at Calico Basin, in Las Vegas

Proofreading? Pssssht!!!

I love writing, and have since the age of 12, when I learned I could move someone with my pen.  Figuratively of course. Well, I'm a long way away from 12, and I find myself out of practice, and out of sorts.　

I still love writing, but we all know it's for sadists at times.  I mean, come on. Removing your favorite idea because it doesn't fit, never being completely satisfied with your work, and coming back for more because you need to.  "Bludgeon and cut me again, and block my brain while you’re at it. Now, everything be terrible and MAKE ME start over, oh yes… No, Idaho! Idaho!"  And yet, that's the least of it for me　 Not only am I struggling with things like comma placement, but I can't proof-read my own writing over the sound of my own voice!  Anyone else going through this? It's like someone who can't listen because they already know what you're going to say.  Shut up, self!!! I can't tell if this flows if you keep shouting like that!

So, after reviewing my rather rough posts today, I have decided to place a one week time requirement before clicking publish. It’s my duty to ensure that you can hear the loud voice that interrupts me constantly, over the one that I am using to interrupt you. Splendid.

Anyone have thoughts? Suggestions?

Yours Truly,

Alice

The Importance of an Inspiring Space and Improving Yours

The picture doesn't do it justice but I found this space on a cruise ship to be quite wonderful... Especially in the evening and morning.   The small shimmering mosaic tile heated seats, and the captains chair view of the expansive ocean was a perfect romantic spot to ponder or accept any sort of magic, I tell you.  

The relationship between inspiration and atmosphere has been a hot topic for me as of late, and I have been feeling desperate for a change of scenery.  The always dry desert, the plain and uniform houses... The white walls and gray floor in my office...  Granted there are many beautiful things around Las Vegas, but they aren't readily visible in my everyday life.  Look around you right now...  At this very moment.  What do you see?  Are you in your workplace? Home?  Out and about?  Now... How does what you see make you feel?  Let's consider how we can improve our space, so as to keep our hearts smiling and creative juices a-flowin'.

First, let's acknowledge the truth, which is that no matter how tough and fierce we are, every human is susceptible to influence, as we are empathetic creatures by design.  Not only does this benefit us by aiding in survival and allowing us to be a part of a community, we have the fortunate pleasure of feeling, and these feelings influence how we create.  There is an obvious downside to this- Do you get the grumps when you look around?  Because I do, quite often.

I'm sure you can relate, and if not, humor me.  Having a full time job, two busy kids, a husband and being a part time student (oh and three dogs) doesn't allow me much time for tending to my house.  So when things get unorganized, I've noticed that it gives me a feeling of chaos and frustration.  These feelings are not conducive to anything creative or otherwise, so in order to focus and control my energy, I have to change my space.  This could be the case with over organization- does your significant other or roommate sanitize and label everything?  Does that cause you to feel confined?  The trick is knowing that there isn't a right or wrong as to how something is SUPPOSED to be, it's all in how it affects you at important times.  Some people may do their best work when frustrated, but as for me, I just hate everything and get overly critical.  

Also, changing a space isn't all about things bothering us, we need inspiration- things to spark our soul.  As I said in the beginning, look around and consider all that you see.  Once you have, identify what space that you have available to you makes you feel most comfortable.  If you're at home, which room is your favorite?  Do you prefer the safety and peace of privacy or the hustle and bustle of your home when you're thinking/ creating?  Once you've determined your setting or technical locus, consider visual cues. What do you feel about the colors around you?  And the fabrics?  Do you have other art there?  My suggestion is that you think about the things that inspire you the most, the things that really make your heart smile, and bring mementos of this into your space; while removing things that may trigger you in the opposite manner.  For example, the ocean seems to free my mind and make me feel like anything can happen.  So, I keep things around me that remind me of the gray gloom of morning fog, the moist and salty smell in the air, the sand...   I have a lovely shade of gray-blue on my walls, paintings of the ocean (that I painted which reminds me that I can create) and try to find little things of beauty to contribute to my atmosphere.  While I have a long way to go, the important thing is that it's in progress. 

If you don't feel inspired indoors or at home, and you've probably already done this, changing up the scenery is great.  As I mentioned, I'm kind of done with the desert, and I crave watching snowflakes fall from a window by the fire, watching the sun burn off a morning fog, hearing thunder, seeing trees and flowers, beautiful architecture, and people.  I could go on and on.  But here, if I had the time, I could find many places from coffee shops and art studios, the beautiful homes of friends, the mountains and many other places to change my energy.  So mix it up, and try different things in different places.  You may find a new voice in a place you'd never taken the time to consider how it impacted your energy.

The last point I'd like to leave you with on considering an inspiring space is that if you can't find anything that improves your space, or any locale that is an improvement, really consult with yourself about your energy.  The problem with traveling or moving things around is that we bring who we are with us everywhere that we go, and if we are not feeling the influence of our surroundings, than perhaps we are not open to it at that time.  Find things that make you feel capable, interested, motivated, loving, beautiful, and whatever else makes you come alive, and see how they help you tap into the most foreign, intense, and flowing parts of yourself. 

PS) Please post links or tell me about your favorite inspiring spaces in the comment section, I'd love to see them!

Alice

A Tip for the Hairdresser

I've trusted you with my locks
I've grown them out for years!
"Take off just an inch", I said
to satiate my fears.
You snipped away with confidence
but I looked down at the floor
To my horror I saw four inch pieces
and some were even more.
Reminiscent of an 80's do,
Chuck Norris, lead the way
Who the hell wants this crap?
I didn't know what to say.
Time to swipe the credit card, and as I bit my lip-
I roundhouse kicked you in the face, and said..
There's your ****ing tip!

AM

Above

Beyond all contemplation
this freedom allows me to soar
to see beyond myself
and feel truth- perception.
In all that has culminated
twisting and turning my being
the sun has yet to set.
In this mastery
Accepting love
to do so is to disregard my self.
Though all does not revolve around this moment,
but the next.

Alice Moon

A moment, captured.


One internal evolution
a creative elimination
Unable to view the simplicity
through the need.
Attempting to maintain faith
In itself a vision unseen.
A discomfort caused by a desperation.
A soul squirming within.
Fear, forcing itself upon my concentration.
Leaving the most pungent of tastes
within every sense.

Alice Moon

Pretending to be ok, alone together in the world!

Don't you just love how we have to pretend to be okay when we're not, for the benefit of others?

Really, for the sake of ourselves... We have to be okay at work, to work.  We can't burden our employers or customers with our emotions, it's just not the place for it.  So what do we do?  We have to become really good actors and liars.  We have to answer that question, "how are you?" not with "my life has fallen apart and I feel dead inside" but, "fine thanks, how are you?"  Fun stuff.  My heart goes out to people who endure truly tragic circumstances and have to work, as who can concentrate through all of that?

The good thing is that work is a break.  Sadly, it's a break from all that we would love to be doing if we were independently wealthy, but it's also a break from the hardness that life sometimes uses to crack our skulls.  If you can get yourself to focus on a task, and take it one minute at a time, then you can have a moment away from that misery, dread, heartache, or whatever else may be afflicting you.  Anyone else have that awful moment where you feel your throat tighten and that familiar face warming sensation that crying brings?  I have cried at work, before I could run away.  I'll always hate myself for it, because I think it made me look stupid- but I couldn't help it.  Perhaps I am emotionally weak, but we are ALL emotional because that is how we are built.  I'm not a cryer but when you feel like you are being dragged behind a bus going 80 miles an hour on hell's highway, it could happen.  So, you've got to pretend that you drank too much coffee, get the hell out of there and into the bathroom stall as quickly as possible!  Not for them, for you. 
Oh and friends... Few of us are so blessed as to have real friends that genuinely want to know if you aren't ok.  I have a couple of amazing friends that would rather not be friends with someone than have them pretend.  But there are many more out there that are only interested in having good times.  Nothing wrong with that, but if they can't bear some discomfort for someone else, how much do they really care about you (or maybe just others, period)?  Also common is when you just can't stand to burden someone else with your problems.  This is 99% of why I don't divulge what's really going on... I have made decisions that have caused me to have the same problems over and over that don't get resolved, so I feel like I should have an allowance of how many times I can go on a vent spree over that one thing that keeps rearing it's ugly-ass head.  But oh how lonely it feels sometimes...

Then there are people that can't accept that we have genuine feelings and emotions, and that they can offend/ hurt us.  Then it's a matter of pretending to be ok so as not to have them go ape shit on us when we call them out for being hurtful, or maybe even not seeing eye to eye... So yes, everything is fine, really.

I suppose we are all alone together in a way and most of us have probably played most of the characters in the book at one point or another.  This is why I believe that creative outlets are so so very important.  And if you feel absolutely completely alone, there are a few people out there willing to listen.  Absolute isolation is absolutely a lie.  Perhaps, we are just all have to keep working on being what the world wants, happier more than not and mostly problem free.  Not a bad goal to have.

Photo credit: VinothChandar / Foter / CC BY

Woke up not feeling great which sucks, however, when you are sick you are sometimes in a different creative space.  You may come up with things that you normally wouldn't and also, you may say things that you normally won't.  Editing is best done when you feel better, but roll with the honesty and creativity that you had.  That was where you were at that time, which automatically means that it is enough, no matter how terrible you tell yourself that it is.  

I call it, loopy courage.  ;)

Corporate America... Gladly squeezing blood out of turnips since 2008.

"Hey, at least you have a job."

AM

Just another day at work...

"Hoodie"

If I could wear a hoodie today

I'd watch the world strife away

The bars of this day time cage

Would magically melt away

I could watch the world turn from my couch hideaway

It could be a magical day

With my dogs all around and nestled in blankets

Life's demands would fall away

If I could wear a hoodie today.

You don't even want to know how sweat pants make me feel....