On Life: This Blog- my starting point.

It took some courage, but a couple of weeks ago, I decided to jump in and start this blog.  Not a huge step in this day in age, there are probably as many bloggers as there are... Um... Err.. Bloggers.  It was a very big deal to me, due to the fact that there have only been two small windows in the last 10 years that I allowed myself to write at all.  Why?  Well, because, the only part of myself that I have gotten to know in my entire adult life claims to be stoic, with a dislike of emotions and emotional situations in general, a distaste for drama, and an attraction to logic; surrounded by people of the same disposition  (who needs feelings when you have thoughts).  Life seems to be much safer when you can be just slightly above feeling, like riding an elevator instead of a roller coaster.  Only problem here is that you only learn what it is like to go up and down, and may get stuck with a flatulator.   I'm not comfortable with the twists and turns, and I didn't really like the feelings that allowed me to write.  Truly, I did not have an interest in spending time with myself, whoever that may be.  Which brings me to my purpose here, to explore the parts of myself that I have ignored, repressed and suffocated, in hopes of aligning with my identity.

Though it's been but a short time, there are some things that have started to transform.  In embracing some of my writing, it seems that I have allowed myself to be more open to creative energy in general.  I have been looking at things in a different light, and allowing myself to observe the motives and meanings behind things as opposed to taking things for face value.  Like listening to the words of a song as opposed to just the beat (which can be a mistake sometimes).  Also, as a result of this blog, I have gone out of my way to make an effort to connect with writers, photographers, artists and creative people in general.  I find happiness each day in seeing all of the works that people share.  I find hope in their pain, joy in their enthusiasm, and strength in the courage of sharing vulnerabilities; and I find myself wanting to become more because of this.

As that is something that I did not expect, it all makes this part of the journey worth it so far. There is one frightening aspect of this for me, lying in the deep dark corners of honesty, which is that a part of me is looking for validation.  We all do in many points in our lives, however I do not enjoy that I could ever feel like sharing of myself has failed.   I've experienced what it is like to move people with things that I've written, however, in general I haven't developed anything in my life that I feel that  am good at.  I can't apply the word talent to anything that I do really, but, as I'll share more about later, I just haven't tried many things.  (Actually, I have a talent for some aspects of motherhood... I do have eyes in the back of my head, and I can give a look that catches, lectures, disciplines and accepts an apology all at the same time.)

So, I plan to share this with you in hopes that you relate and walk this cobblestone road with me, wearing stilettos (sounds tricky? it is), and perhaps you'll put on a pair too (gentlemen as well, you know what they say about walking a mile), and maybe even lend me an arm for support and take embarrassing pictures of me when I fall.

AM

Photo credit: GrungeTextures / Foter / CC BY-NC