Funk That!!!

Remember that song from the 90's, "Funk Dat" by Sagat?

Here, let me help you out.  A link to the YouTube video:

Sagat: Funk Dat

I remember laughing about this song with my friends, and I think Beavis & Butthead may have even had their way with it.  Yep, they did, and you're welcome.  Again, the YouTube video:

Beavis & Butthead: Sagat- Funk Dat

For those of you who remember, you know you went around saying "funk that!" to all of the random injustices that occurred in that time period.

Mr. Sagat had some valid points.  If you've been here to Las Vegas, you know that when you are walking down the street, people are always stopping you hand you flyers (if you want to call them that).  Funk that, ESPECIALLY when you have kids with you (hint: they are all of naked-esque women).  Also, he questions why he walks into the bank, and the teller looks at him like he's robbed the place.  Well, Mr. Sagat, if you are dressed like you are in your video, with sunglasses and a hood up, that will happen.

I think we need this song again, or something like it.  I'm sorry, I'm not a lyrical or musical genius, so I can't help you.  (Neigh do I possess the correct auto tune, producer, pop star looks, abs, etc.) I will say though, that we all need a b*tch fest or rant session about the stuff in life that tends to pop up and derail our peace, stability, happiness, and so on.  So- let's do this. If you want to comment here, message me, whatever, I'll be your sounding board.  After all, you're about to be mine.

As usual, I'm going to give a disclaimer, which is that we all know that things can always be worse, right?  And in our society, it is perfectly acceptable to be fussy over petty things, because in reality when our basic hierarchy of needs is not put into challenge, petty stuff seems important too.

*plugging nose to make whiny voice-  "Why is it that":

When you try to do something nice for someone, life often hands you a punishment in return!  Nah man, funk that!!!

Windows 8- F*** THAT!  Why???  Just Why?  I don't know man.

Tires, they are the least gratifying expensive purchase one can make.  I mean, I already have some!  Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Teenagers, being one and having them is kind of funk that!

Those effing idiots on the freeway that think it's ok for them to risk everyones lives by driving 3 inches from your bumper, when you can't get out of the way or go any faster!  I wish them all tickets!!!

Sometimes, spouses.  Yeah, sometimes funk them.

Cable and satellite TV.  Thanks for having me pay for 800 channels with NOTHING on.  And the movie channels? Especially FUNK THAT.  (I know this is approaching major first world problem brattiness, but thank heaven we don't judge on social media.)

Sunday nights when you have to go to work Monday, and your stomach turns.  (OK, I know it really is a blessing to have a job, but come on… We've all been there, right?)

INSURANCE COMPANIES.  This is tearing me up today.  Why is it, that they charge an arm and a mother stinking leg, and if you think you have a legitimate emergency (should be good enough for people who aren't idiots or hypochondriacs), and go to the ER, and if you get a non-emergency diagnosis, they won't pay!!  I.e., think your kid has a concussion?  They better.  Think you're having a heart attack?  better not be a panic attack.  FUNK THAT!!  Greedy b*tches!!  (I know the list goes on and on about the insurance topic.)  Evil!!!!

Why is it that cats are so vindictive?  Get over yourself, cat!!!

Overly ripe bananas.   Like, I'm overly ripe or som'n.  funk THAT!

I feel guilty for complaining.  Now I'm going to have to come up with a post about my blessings.

Coming soon- an update on my "find myself" blog post, and also, for those of you that interact with me, it means the world.  Unfortunately, school starts again at the end of the month so I'll have a tough time managing my schedule again soon.  Funk that!!

Cheers,
Alice

Need to SEE yourself? Go to Walmart.

Walmart used to bring 3 things to mind for me- bargains, crowds and butt cheeks.  Yes, butt cheeks.  I haven't been to a Walmart in a long time and NOT seen butt cheeks.  Most of the time they aren't the toned butt cheeks of a work-out queen or fit 20 year old (which is still a ridiculous sight in the city); usually it is a butt squeezed into a pair of shorts several sizes too small, which have climbed half way up the cheeks in a desperate attempt to break free, or something of the like.  Don't act like you haven seen this, I know I'm not the only one who shops at my wally.  Every time I go, I see the cheeks.   And last time I was there, I had an emotional and enlightening experience, so self-examination is now on the list of things I associate with that store.  Who needs a therapist when you have the people of Walmart?

Time for a few disclaimers before I get to the point.  I have nothing against butt cheeks.  They should all have their time in the sun, however, not for all to see, unless you are going somewhere where they are to be expected.  (I guess Walmart is such a place now).  Do not think that I am a class or weight snob.  I think people of all sizes that take pride in their own well being are beautiful.  Next, I believe that classy people are found and lacking in all socioeconomic statuses, races, genders, etc.  I have met very classy people that didn't have a dime to their name and came from the roughest trailer park you'd ever see, and I have met classless people who had great wealth.  Both of which and everything in between can probably be found at Walmart!  Onward we go.

Like some of you, I have a thing with crowds.  I get anxious around a lot of people, which generally leads to my being irritable, and an eventual escalation to wanting to snap "like a Chic-O Stick".  But, I have this friend who inspires me, and makes me feel like a real a$$hole.  Not intentionally, but because this friend doesn't get judgmental, doesn't let small things irritate and cause them to be irate, and generally looks to find the good in people.  I want to be like that, because I get all pissed and want to punch babies, while this friend is happy and at peace.  To take charge of my peace, I think it necessary to truly examine how I operate and learn to choose certain emotions over others, and use logic to reduce unnecessary anxiety.  That's how I plan to control that sh*t and stop feeling like an a$$hole.

Now to the emotional experiences… Because bargains are important to me, I deal with the cheeks and crowds and occasionally drag myself to Walmart.  On this particular day, like most, I was in a regular every-day good mood.  It's the norm- we get our carts, go about your business, and this is what happens:

Phase 1- The aisles are full of people and it's hard to get around.  Argh.

Phase 2- Why the fudge muffins are people letting their kids run around the aisles like wild zoo animals? Geez!

Phase 3- Why are so many people so oblivious, don't they realize that they aren't the only ones in this damned store?  WTFFF!!

Phase 4- I hate most people, I can't stand this effing place, I don't care what isn't in my cart I'm checking out now before I lose it and start lecturing people on their lack of consideration!!  In a mean way, with lots of expletives!  And potentially, with a raised voice!

This seems normal or reeeaaally over the top depending on how like my friend or how like me you are, right?  As I was leaving and found myself all amped up and judging, I remembered my friend.  And another, that found joy and appreciation in so much of what she does.  And as I looked at a grandmotherly looking type who had (do this- crunch up your nose, squint your eyes, and let your mouth hang open a-la fly trap) THAT plastered on her face in a somewhat permanent manner, I began to soften.

Because we bring our "self" everywhere that we go, this is not the only place that I let minor inconveniences override being grateful for being alive to have an experience, joy in the diversity and hilarity of human-kind, and an appreciation that I am able to provide for my family, and that bargains help me do so in a better way.  And I began to think of the things that bother me at home, and do I let those annoyances impact me in the same way?  What about work?  And so on.

So I smiled at the Grandma-esque lady, and contemplated that perhaps I may have that look plastered semi-permanently on my face, and so long as I had the love of my family and companionship, health, and the means to have what I need, who cares?  And perhaps I'll be deep in thought and plow my cart nearly into someone, where I block them from moving in the aisle, and shop for canned peas for a while.  Ok, maybe not that.  I'm sorry, that person is still just not right.  But, I shouldn't let anything or anyone, particularly things that I don't like, take away from the things that I do.

I will continue to shop there, and the other over-crowded grocery stores with insufficient parking in my area.  I now try to arm myself with the importance of my own happiness and- though I will still laugh and enjoy people watching- it is in a less judgmental and more accepting fashion.  I am now working on this while driving in traffic where the self serving a$$holes who are more important than anyone else  risk deathly accidents by driving up our rears and so forth.  We can observe and react but without so much emotion.

Lastly for now, I recommend that you visit your local whatever- Costco is often difficult, and examine how you are.  I hope that you are able to- whether now or after some work- control your peace of mind and be happy as often as you choose.

Cheers,

Alice

PS) I don't ever actually want to punch babies, I just love the expression.

Photo credit: Psycholabs / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA

Photo credit: symphony of love / Foter.com / CC BY-NC

A Tip for the Hairdresser

I've trusted you with my locks
I've grown them out for years!
"Take off just an inch", I said
to satiate my fears.
You snipped away with confidence
but I looked down at the floor
To my horror I saw four inch pieces
and some were even more.
Reminiscent of an 80's do,
Chuck Norris, lead the way
Who the hell wants this crap?
I didn't know what to say.
Time to swipe the credit card, and as I bit my lip-
I roundhouse kicked you in the face, and said..
There's your ****ing tip!

AM

Pretending to be ok, alone together in the world!

Don't you just love how we have to pretend to be okay when we're not, for the benefit of others?

Really, for the sake of ourselves... We have to be okay at work, to work.  We can't burden our employers or customers with our emotions, it's just not the place for it.  So what do we do?  We have to become really good actors and liars.  We have to answer that question, "how are you?" not with "my life has fallen apart and I feel dead inside" but, "fine thanks, how are you?"  Fun stuff.  My heart goes out to people who endure truly tragic circumstances and have to work, as who can concentrate through all of that?

The good thing is that work is a break.  Sadly, it's a break from all that we would love to be doing if we were independently wealthy, but it's also a break from the hardness that life sometimes uses to crack our skulls.  If you can get yourself to focus on a task, and take it one minute at a time, then you can have a moment away from that misery, dread, heartache, or whatever else may be afflicting you.  Anyone else have that awful moment where you feel your throat tighten and that familiar face warming sensation that crying brings?  I have cried at work, before I could run away.  I'll always hate myself for it, because I think it made me look stupid- but I couldn't help it.  Perhaps I am emotionally weak, but we are ALL emotional because that is how we are built.  I'm not a cryer but when you feel like you are being dragged behind a bus going 80 miles an hour on hell's highway, it could happen.  So, you've got to pretend that you drank too much coffee, get the hell out of there and into the bathroom stall as quickly as possible!  Not for them, for you. 
Oh and friends... Few of us are so blessed as to have real friends that genuinely want to know if you aren't ok.  I have a couple of amazing friends that would rather not be friends with someone than have them pretend.  But there are many more out there that are only interested in having good times.  Nothing wrong with that, but if they can't bear some discomfort for someone else, how much do they really care about you (or maybe just others, period)?  Also common is when you just can't stand to burden someone else with your problems.  This is 99% of why I don't divulge what's really going on... I have made decisions that have caused me to have the same problems over and over that don't get resolved, so I feel like I should have an allowance of how many times I can go on a vent spree over that one thing that keeps rearing it's ugly-ass head.  But oh how lonely it feels sometimes...

Then there are people that can't accept that we have genuine feelings and emotions, and that they can offend/ hurt us.  Then it's a matter of pretending to be ok so as not to have them go ape shit on us when we call them out for being hurtful, or maybe even not seeing eye to eye... So yes, everything is fine, really.

I suppose we are all alone together in a way and most of us have probably played most of the characters in the book at one point or another.  This is why I believe that creative outlets are so so very important.  And if you feel absolutely completely alone, there are a few people out there willing to listen.  Absolute isolation is absolutely a lie.  Perhaps, we are just all have to keep working on being what the world wants, happier more than not and mostly problem free.  Not a bad goal to have.

Photo credit: VinothChandar / Foter / CC BY

Corporate America... Gladly squeezing blood out of turnips since 2008.

"Hey, at least you have a job."

AM